The need for approval and success

The need for approval arises from the fear of rejection or criticism. It is a behavior learned over time from earlier childhood as a result of our interactions with the people around us more especially our care givers. The over concern for approval manifests itself in adulthood in one's workplace seeking approval from our bosses, colleagues or in spouses in a family set up. As an adult, one becomes pre-occupied with opinions from others and can easily lead to an obsession to please or over-perform.

Obsession to please others
How does extreme need for approval affect our success? The extreme need for approval results in one over-exerting themselves to earn approval and can easily lead to stress in your life. You will find yourself putting more energy in pleasing others and not in accomplishing your tasks or goals. One can easily deviate from the set goals and get pre-occupied with undefined goals with no clear vision. If you are a parent it is highly recommend not to over demand your children with goals that they have no passion in. Your children may easily become unproductive, withdrawn or rebellious in the process.

Unrealistic Goals
The urge to please others may lead you to follow unrealistic goals. You will find your self living or pursuing other peoples goals instead of yours, the end result is always devastating. No one can live another's life of pursue another's goals and achieve them. The passion and the will power will eventually fade away and the tasks will be left undone. You will feel like a failure and frustrations may come in as a result. On the extreme side, people may lose trust in you as you leave most of your tasks shoddily done.

How to overcome the need for approval
We may have grown up in an environment where we always feed the need to proof ourselves to others in search for a sense of belonging. It is not your fault that you found yourself in such kind of environment as a child, however it is good to know how damaging this can be as an adult. The good news is, all is not lost. You have an opportunity to unlearn this behavior, I am not going to promise you that it is going to be easy, it requires determination but not impossible.. You have to realize the fact that most people are not thinking about you at all and may not notice the torture you are putting yourself through in order to please them. In addition to that, you can never please everyone, we all have our likes and dislikes, your efforts to please people will only result to confusion and burning yourself out. Be yourself, determine your goals and follow them through at your own pace and standards.

Secondly, do not be afraid of criticism and rejection. Some people are going to reject you in life not because you are not good enough, but because you are too good and for some they just have no reason for it. It is good to note that you can not make people like you, people will make their own opinion and a choice just like no one can make you like someone or something that your heart is not into. Take a breath live your own life and be true to yourself.

Last but not least, rejection of your ideas does not mean your rejection. We all have different ways of looking at things. I am over 30 years and until today I do not understand the craze people have over beer, as a matter of fact I find it very repulsive. It is however good to note that I have friends who love beer, they do not understand my dislike for IT, but that has not prevented us from being good friends. We agree to disagree in our opinions and likes. If you are looking for someone who will have the same opinion as yours in all your ideas and have the same likes as your, you are going to look for that person for a lifetime, because such does not exist. You may have similar likes but not in all things and that is the beauty of life, diversity.

****Best Words of Advice****

Live your life and be true to your self

Teamwork- Secret To Success

"You are only as strong as your weakest point." I am sure you have heard about or come across this phrase. The first time I read about it, I could not make head or tail of it. Strength and weakness have nothing in common or so I thought till I learnt otherwise.

Teamwork is diversity
I work in the service industry in an airline to be precise. We have the marketing team that takes the product to the client, the sales team that convinces the guest to buy, the check in agent who ensures the client checks in and boards the flight, we have the flight attendant who ensures the customer is comfortable on board and off course the team that will receive the client on arrival. You will notice that I have only mentioned the customer facing teams here.

"Teams are most productive when they stimulate innovative thought and propose original approaches to achieving  goals ."

" If the team members all think alike – every person in the group is unnecessary, except one." Scott Mckain

We all of course know that a lot takes place in the background from the time the client decides to buy a ticket to his arrival at destination. We have the caterers who ensure the meals are well cooked and packaged, the pilots who ensure the smooth, safe take off and landing of the flight, the loaders who ensure your bags are safe on board, the IT guy who ensures the systems are up and running to avoid any delays in your flight and the cleaners who ensure the toilets within the airport and in the cabin are clean for your comfort among others. All these people have different skills and abilities but they work together towards a common goals, the client. If one of them fails, the whole system fails.

Teamwork is having a shared vision, clear roles and responsibilities

"The problem is that many leaders and organizations believe “teamwork” also includes liking each other; hanging out after work; going along to get along; or sharing personal stories after a long-day of team-building games. If that’s your definition, teamwork is not as important as you think." Randy Pennington

Getting along after work is not teamwork if the team does not have a common goal, defined responsibilities and clear roles. We do not expect the pilot to do the flight attendants's job or the sales agent to ensure the bags for the clients are on board. The sales agent is going to assure the clients that the bags will be safe till the end of the flight but someone else is going to ensure this has been done. The goal is one, the roles and responsibilities are different and clear cut. When goals are not shared or responsibilities and roles well defined, a blame game arises and nothing will get done and of course you have guessed it right, you will have one unhappy customer to contend with.

Teamwork is removing barriers
Working in silos is a sure way to failure as a team. You must remove any barriers and encourage communication to ensure success. The sales agent has to ensure any meal requests for clients have been passed on to the caterer, the caterer has to ensure the meals have been availed on board and the crew made aware where and how they have been packed. The check in agent has to ensure the meals have been inserted well in the manifest and the same availed to the flight attendant. Barriers have to be broken down to ensure a seamless service. Have the initiative to find out how your colleagues are working, their challenges and how you can make their work easier,any delay in delivery from one group means failure of the whole group.

Teamwork is respect for each other
Teamwork is respecting the ability of every member in the team. No one is more superior than the other. Trust me, I am an expert when it comes to cleaning my toilet at home, but I can not promise the same when it comes to cleaning an aircraft toilet and I do not expect the pilot or the checking agent to know how. We have the best sales team out there and they bring in the best clients, I do not expect them to fix the aircraft when it has a technical issue, that is the work of our highly skilled technical team who am sure have no idea how to convince a client to buy us. Every member in the team has a special ability all of them different but equally important, none can do without the other.

Success in any team is pegged on it's strengths and weakness. You will only be successful as far as your weakness allows. Same goes to your personal success, the weak points you keep on brushing aside focusing only on your strengths, could be the reason why you are not as successful as you would like to be.

****Best Words Of Advice****

You are only as strong as your weakest point

How Do I Measure Success in My Life?

There is no definite way to measure success. What I consider a success life may not be successful to another. Furthermore what was a successful life to me when I was 10 years old is no longer a success 10 years down the line. How then can we measure success? How do we know that we are successful in life?

Many of us make a huge mistake when we want to know how successful we are by comparing our achievements to others, I strongly disagree with this concept because it is not a true measure of success. Let us compare these two examples below;

Mary and Jane cleared college together and got employed in the same company, earning the same salary. Within six months Jane has a car and Mary still commutes to work using public transport. Who among the two would you consider successful?

I know you would consider Jane to be more successful than Mary because she has managed to buy a car within six months of employment. Within face value yes, but we are forgetting some important factors here, their background. Jane comes from a well off family, she stays at her family house, she does not pay rent or any bills in the house. She has all her income to herself. Mary on the other hand stays away from home, pays her rent, water bills, electricity bills, she buys her food, has managed to support her two siblings through college and aided her parents to buy that home they have always wanted to have for the past 20 years. She cannot afford a car at this time but has she accomplished some of her goals? Can we consider her more successful than Jane now that we know their background. Great, now you understand what I mean, you can not measure  your success against other people's achievements, you can only measure success against your potential. What you are capable of against what you have achieved.

Factors to consider when measuring your success:

Age

Age is an important factor when you want to measure your success because we have different goals at every stage in life. When in college, you would consider passing your exams successful, after college you would consider having a well paying job successful, 10 years down the line you would consider having your own house and a car successful or running your own business. When you start measuring your success, you should first and foremost establish the stage you are in life and what you consider to be important at that age and time.

Goals

What do you want to achieve in life? The goals you have set for yourself are paramount when you want to measure your own success. I remember when I was in college, I did not only want to pass my exams, I wanted to pass my exams with honors, some of my friends were content with passing, the honorary title was not part of their success. If I had passed my exams without honors, I would not consider myself a failure, but I would not consider myself successful either.

Some people would consider having a roof over their head and being able to provide for their family a success, others will want more that that. They would not only want a roof over their head, they would want that roof to be their own house, a house with no rent to pay at the end of the month. Having a house of your own is an achievement, for another person having a house is not enough, it has to be of a certain design and size, be in a certain location preferably near the beach, at the end of the day, you will only be able to measure your success against the goals you have set for yourself. Consider yourself successful if you are able to accomplish the goals you have set for yourself within the time specified.

Impact

The ability to have a positive impact in society is a good way to measure your success. You do not have to be a prominent person or hold a powerful position to make an impact in society. Helping a colleague at work or in college is making a positive impact, you may not see it that way but you do leave a lasting  mark in every person you interact with. Take advantage and make it count , let that mark be a positive one. There are many ways in which you can leave a positive mark, at the church choir, helping your parents with household chores or paying bills, assisting someone with homework, volunteering within the community, contributing to positive changes at work or helping that old couple around the corner. Positive marks have a way of outliving us and they give us a sense of fulfillment, go out there and live your positive mark.

Potential

If you are living in a comfort zone or have that feeling that you can do more, then you are limiting your own success. Our ability to do a task is not the same for everyone, our potential is different. The fact that you have achieved more than those around you does not make your successful, the question is, is this the best you can do? If the answer is yes, consider yourself a successful person, if not, you need do something about it. Let us take this scenario. John is a bright student who has moved to a new town and registered in a new school. He used to get more than 80 points in his previous school, the children there were very competitive and he never used top in his class but that was the best he could manage. In his new school, he is always a the top of his class, but his points have gone down below 70. Would you consider John successful against his potential despite the fact that he tops in class? Of course not, you know he can do better, being top in class is a comfort zone but not successful. It is the same situation for all of us. You need to evaluate your life to establish if you are successful or in a comfort zone.

Challenges

If you are the kind of person who never gives up when faced with challenges, consider yourself a successful person. I know of this boy back in primary, his parents could not afford to pay his school fees, the boy never dropped out of school like the rest who faced the same predicament. He started rearing chicken which he would sell, he also helped with gardening during his free time at a small fee, he managed to pay his fee this way through primary and secondary school. I would consider this gentleman a successful man. He now owns a wholesale store supplying shops within the village with merchandise. He is not the president or a prime minister, but he has a way of overcoming challenges. The ability to overcome challenges is a good way to measure success in your life.

It is evident that what i consider as success is not the same as the other person. The best way to measure success is to do it as an individual. First you have to define what success means to you to be able to measure it. Refer to my previous article on How to define success in your life.


I will take this opportunity as usual to welcome you to share, comment and give feedback on how you measure success.

**** Best Words of Advice****

" We can not measure  our success against other people's achievements, we can only measure success against our potential." - Evaline Nyambati

How to define success in your life

What is success?

We all have different ways of defining success. We may decide to define success in relation to other people or we can choose to define success in our own terms. I love to define success in my own terms. Success should give me a sense of achievement, a sense of satisfaction, and joy. I love to define success in my own terms because I believe I have been called for a special mission in life and my mission is unique. It is never going to be the same as yours, your mother's or your twin. We are all unique and we have been called to serve unique missions here on earth.

Define success in your own terms and live by it.

Today I am going to share with you different way on how I define success in my life. I hope this will help you to define yours. Unless you define your own success, you will never have clear goals and eventually you will never amount to anything.

Success is passion and determination.

Determination for me is a key factor in life. The determination to go on even when the future does not look promising, the never giving up spirit when things go wrong, the strength to wake up every morning with a positive mind that I will make it in life no matter what. That is success, but remember determination can not be kept alive without passion. You have to be passionate about life and what you pursue in life. Pursuing dreams without passion drains us of energy and we end up with false non fulfilling achievement.

Understanding who controls your destiny.

Success is understanding who controls your destiny. God has made us in his own image and He has given us the power to choose. The power to choose between right and wrong, to do or not to do, to be positive or to be negative, to go on or to give up, to be happy or to be sad. He has given us the power to choose our destiny. Once we understand this concept, then we are successful. We can move on with life in confidence making better choices towards our destiny.

Understanding that our weaknesses and disabilities are stepping stones.

Success is when we know our weaknesses, our disabilities and not let them hold us back from our dreams, it is the ability to believe in ourselves, it is the ability to believe that we can. We create our own limitations by negative thing or worse by believing what others say. The fact that your mother, father, sister or friend did not make it in your field of passion does not mean you will never make it too. We design our destiny by choosing what we believe in and what we chose to do or not do.

Counting your blessing.

Success is when you celebrate your victories however small, it is when you count your blessing instead of what you think you have missed in life. You may have not gotten that promotion at work, be grateful that you are employed, you have a roof above your head and you can afford at least a meal a day. Other people do not have that luxury. Count your blessings and be grateful.

Standing up for what you believe in.

Success is standing up for what you believe in no matter what.Standing for what you believe in is the ability to say no with no regrets. It is better to stand alone than be with a crowd with a false sense of belonging. If you are strong enough to stand for what is right, you may be alone today, but you will meet people along the way who believe in your dreams and ideas. Do not give up, and welcome feedback however negative; “ If you do not have critics, you will likely have no success” Malcolm X.

Success is love.

Success is the ability to love and be loved back. It is not going to cost you much to love, give people a chance to love you back too. It is a symbiotic relationship. If it is done one way, one party is likely to be drained. Take time to celebrate and appreciate people in your life who love you for what you are no matter what. Those people who do not care about your bank account, your beauty or how much weight you have gained in the last few years. Those people who cry with you during your worst moments and genuinely celebrate your achievements no matter how small. Those people who laugh through your stupid jokes and are ready to give you a beating to straighten you up.

Success is self development.

Success is the willingness to learn a new thing every day, to progress, to find ways to better yourself every time you have the opportunity. There is no end to how much we can better ourselves and there is nothing under the sun that is too hard to learn.When you understand that learning is a continuous process,you are a successful person. The moment we stop learning we stop our success.

Overcoming fear.

Success is overcoming fear. Overcoming the fear of what people may say, overcoming the fear of what if i do not make it,  what lays ahead, what the future hold, overcoming the fear of the unknown. We will succeed only if we are able to master our fears, we can only overcome our fears when we know who hold our future, we may not know what the future holds, but one thing is crystal clear he is already there. God is already in the future, trust in Him and move on.

Taking care of your needs while supporting others.

Success is not measured by how much knowledge you have acquired, how much money you have accumulated, or how much wealth you have, but by how many people you have developed along the way.  It is the ability to understand how to be there for others and not leaving yourself behind. It is the ability to be self sufficient, take care of your needs while supporting others at the same time. There is that aura in people who embrace and develop others. Have ever seen the look or a parent when their child graduates with honors? Or a teacher when their student pass and are successful in life, now that is success.

Setting your priorities right.

Success is about setting your priorities right, knowing the difference between your needs and your wants and allocating each the weight it deserves in your life. Family and work, both are important but family comes before the other. A car and a house are important, you must have a roof on your head and a full stomach before you buy a car. You must have a place you call home, a house and family, close knit friends to support you when you need it. You have to put your trust and faith in God before man. When your priorities are right success is eminent.

Setting your goals and doing your best.

Last but not least,consider yourself successful if you have set clear goals and you are doing your best to achieve them. I should have put this as point number one, but if you can not do the above,you will not be able to set out concrete goals. Setting your goals is not enough if you are not giving your best everyday. Do each task leaving no room for improvement. If you want help, go for it, but never leave anything undone.

Many people are going to give you various definitions about success like I have done, but the only person who can define success is you. You have to define success in your own terms and live by it. Remove all boundaries, set your mind free and go for it. Success is for everyone.

*****Best Words of Advise***

Define success in your own terms and live by it.

Have You Achieved your Goals? Are You Where You Want to Be?

We all have dreams, where we want to be. Are we there yet? Can you remember those dreams and goals you used to think about when you were young, the dreams you wanted to accomplish when you finished college, when you got your first job?, the dreams you had when you got married or moved to that new neighborhood or country? How many of them have you achieved, how many of them can you confidently stand up today and count as accomplished? Some of us are far from where we want to be, we have either deviated from our goals or worse still stuck somewhere and given up. I have been there I know what I am talking about, there are times when i take stock of my goals I get amazes at how much i have accomplished or how much I have not, I have experiences the mistakes I have made and i am ready to share what i have learn so that you can not make them. Below are common mistakes that hinder us from achieving our goals.

You have wandered away from your goal. 
One reason why we do not achieve our goals is because we have deviate from them. The moment we deviate from our goals and start pursuing new ones on the way, we take many steps back and the end result is many set but unaccomplished goals. Check your goals and confirm if you are on the right path. The best way to do this is to always review your goal on a daily , weekly, or monthly basis depending whether they are long term or short term goal. You will be able to know if you are in the right course or not. You can not board a flight for London and expect to land in Nairobi. Check and re-check. Get back in course.

Taking the easy way out

Most of us avoid challenges and choose to follow the path of comfort. No achievement ever comes to reality without challenges. Learn to face your fears and face those challenges as they come.

Doing nothing

We are not in the Era of Manna from heaven. You want something accomplished, do something about it.

No focus

We are Jack of all trades and specialty of none. This will never get you anywhere. Choose, focus and accomplish.

Excuses

This is the best way to failure. You want to reach that goal, you will find a way around it.

Not knowing when to let go

In some situations we have to let go to move on. Holding onto past mistakes and occurrences will only hold us back. It is time to let go.

Blaming ourselves

Let us be frank, yes we do make wrong choices, everyone does. Blaming yourself over and over again will not solve anything. Learn to forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes and move on.

Waiting upon others

By all means this is not wrong, but you can not wait on others forever. A time comes when you have to be your own boss, make your own decisions, take responsibility over your life, that time is now.

Self doubt

No one is perfect in this world. No one knows it all. We all have our weaknesses. Believe in yourself and your abilities. Do not seat back and wait for someone to come and cheer you on. That someone may never show up, be your own cheerleader.

Pessimism

Learn to see possibilities in every situation. It is the only way you will overcome challenges along the way.

Do you know of any mistakes we do that keep us from our goals?

**** Best Words of Advice****

"Whatever you want in life other people are going to want it too. Believe in yourself enough to accept the idea that you have an equal right to it"

-Diane Sawyer

Living a successful Life

When we hear the word success most of us think of this big- huge task in our lives, a goal beyond reach or that is how society has made us believe. I will define a successful life in the following simple steps or rules.

Believe in yourself

The first step in living a successful life is to believe in yourself. God has given each one of us the power and ability to achieve. The moment we believe that we can, then we are on the road to living a successful life.

Know your Limitation.

We all have limitations on what we can do and what we cannot do. All this is aligned to our calling and talent in life. Have you ever asked your self why all of us are not singers or pilots or architects? It is simple, each one of us has a unique calling.  Knowing our limitations enables us to channel our time and strength to the right goals in life. On the other hand, some goals however much we are talented, cannot be achieved by working alone. We need a helping hand, know when to call for and accept help.

Organize yourself.

One thing that I find so stressful in life is when there is so much to do with little time at hand. Trying to do everything at once is chaotic. The work will end up either shoddily done or not done at all. This is where the magic of organization comes in. Give every activity a time and follow through to completion.

De-clatter.

A sister to organization, when ever thing is everywhere, you waste time and energy trying to find tools for your work. Clattered is a non conducive atmosphere for productivity. Get rid of staff you do not need, and find a home for everything and keep it that way. You will be shocked how much you accomplish in a day’s work in a clatter-free environment.  

Balance work and Family

Truth is, we all want to make a living so that we can provide for our families or help our spouses in this mission. It is the main reason we wake up every morning and go out there and work ourselves into exhaustion sometimes.  That is why family should be priority number one in our lives. We should create room to spend quality time with our families as well as our friends. Whatever we earn, let us enjoy it with our family. There is no point is conquering the whole world only to live in it alone.

Live today

Remember the old saying “Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.”  Regrets of yesterday and worries of tomorrow are never going to bring joy in our lives. Do what has to be done today and prepare for tomorrow.

Self growth and development

Set aside time to learn something new. Keep yourself updated with the changing trends and learn how to fit in or else you may be overtaken by events.

Choose your friends wisely

Surround yourself with positive thinking people, people who have passion for life and have a clear vision.

Appreciate and treat everyone with respect

It will earn you respect and admiration. Who does not what that in life? Besides, you will have enough allies to support you in time of need.

Enough

Learn how to use and have everything in moderation. Be it food, work, exercise or friends. Too much of anything is poisonous.

**** Best Words of Advice***

Success is what we make out of our Lives.

Things successful people avoid

Procrastination

This is the cancer of success. You want something done; stop putting it away for next time. Next time never comes.

Complaining

Instead of complaining, do something about it.

Comparing yourself to others

This is the best route to failure and under-performance. If you want to measure your achievement, measure them against your potential. Besides, you are not a copy of someone, your dreams and goals are unique to you alone.

 Negative Criticism

This is another cancer for achievement to avoid. Negative criticism destroyed not only the people around you, it also kills your dreams, inner peace and joy. Try praise.

Denial

Denying who you real are ends up in you trying to live other people’s dreams.

Hoarding

Sharing is growth, it is also healthy.

Negative thoughts

Nothing comes out of negative thinking, go positive.

Non committal attitude

Commitment, passion and hard-work, doing your part invites success.

Fear of the unknown

All of us have fear within us when it comes to things we know nothing about. Learn and be ready for change to overcome your fears.

Running away from our problems

Avoiding your problems and challenges are not going to make them disappear. There is no magical wand for this, face it.

Perfection

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. Do your best and learn from your mistakes.

                         ****Best Words of Advice***

"A strong positive self-image,is the best possible preparation for success" Joyce Brothers.

How to become a high achiever

Everyone I have ever met wants to be great achiever in life. We may not have the same goals, but we sure want to not only achieve our goals, we want to be high achievers in the goals that we have set for ourselves.  All goals manifest in thoughts and until we do something about them, they remain just dreams.

Great achievers have something in common; they do something about their goals by cheering themselves on.So how do I become a great achiever?

One step at a time

Remember Rome was not built in one day; take a step at a time. You are not going to accomplish all in a day’s work. Lay down that foundation today and work through it step by step. The first step is always the hardest.

Be unique

Great achievers do not follow the crowd, they do things which others are not willing to do or things that others consider to be impossible. Think of the Wright brothers who lay a foundation of the aviation industry; many thought they were either crazy or that their mission was an impossible one during their time. Was it?

Step out of that comfort zone

Let us face it. You are not going to accomplish anything in that comfort zone, snap out of it.

Appreciate others every day

The great achievers of all times are always simple people who appreciate others. Remember you are not going to achieve a task alone, especially if it is a big task that requires different technical and mental skills. Even that messenger in your office or house help back home contributes a lot to your goal. Learn to appreciate people around you, in return you will have the respect and support you need.

Stop worrying about what others may think

It is a social stigma, most of the time we worry about what others may think of us if we embark on our goals. Truth is, few people may support your idea when you start and others may think you are crazy. Why not, it is a big goal, it is a goal out of this world, it is a goal only high achievers can understand. How many people do you think will want to identify with you or your project once it is done?

No one is perfect

Yes, we are always working towards perfection, but I always leave perfection to God. Mistakes are prone to occur and our first impressions may turn out to be messy. Who cares, I tried anyway. It is better than doing nothing.

“Successful people don't expect to be perfect, but they do think they can always be better.” Jeff Hadden

Go that extra mile

That extra mile always makes a difference. Try to always do better, always do more than expected. It always makes a difference.

Celebrate your small achievement

Celebrating your achievements is always a breather. It brings more energy and zeal into your life. I always celebrate my achievements whoever small they are. When I am at my lowest I count them, celebrate them and magnify them one by one. The next day, I am back, vibrant with energy to face any challenges on my pathway.

Keep family and friends close

 For whom are we working so hard for? Take time to be with your family and friends, let them be the center of your life. Let them help you not only in achieving your goals, but in celebrating them as well.

****Best words of Advise***

Always strive to be the best that you can be – Evaline Nyambati.